What do you do when you say you have self-confidence, but as you look a little deeper realize your actions don’t match?

I’ve had a few clients, friends, and acquaintances affirm to me recently that — of course, they are self-confident. Unfortunately for them, as a coach, I have honed a skill that’s one of my zone of geniuses — seeing patterns, identifying disconnects, and then gently nudging with questions so they see it too. Each of these individuals actions didn’t match that of a purported self-confident person.

It reminded me of a time in my corporate career where I’d have the very same answer, but in actuality struggled incredibly on the inside.

My actions did not match that of a confident person: I never went after what I wanted; I rarely knew what I wanted in the first place; I didn’t take good care of myself; I was underpaid; I struggled with, what I know now, as intense anxiety; I let old stories and beliefs hold me back; when I got what I wanted I immediately self-sabotaged; I heard my intuition but was to insecure to act on it; and I often hid behind others.

When I was picking the main image for this post, I had an idea to show a then and now to help people see that confidence is also an energy that exudes from photos. I lacked so much confidence that, in my brief search, I couldn’t find a single picture of just me.

This disconnect makes it hard to do a lot of things, but it really makes it hard to be a leader in your organization or an entrepreneur. Amidst the chaos we are surrounded by today, authentic self-confidence is your super power, and it pairs perfectly with self-awareness and consistent spiritual practices.

My 5 Step Plan for Bridging the Gap

Step 1: Mindset Shift

I learned the hard way that confidence is an inside job. A rooted authentic confidence has nothing to do with what others think of you or the brand names you wear.

The definition of self-confidence is: a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment.

Total inside job.

Try my favorite *Spiritual Tool to Center Back Into You

Step 2: Get to Work

It took a whole lot of inner work and healing. Inner work is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done – there are no immediate accolades and people don’t usually notice a difference for awhile, but I forged ahead.

This work looks like:

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Identify the stories you tell you about yourself, are they actually true? Or are you using them to play small? Re-write your story to serve the dreams for your life and nurture your self-confidence.

These can sound like…

• No one wants to see me on video
• I don’t know what I’m doing
• Because I’m not skinny by societies standards men won’t love me
• I’m a leader so I have to always act like I know what I’m doing even when I don’t
• I have to say yes to every meeting because what if I miss something and become irrelevant

The truth is more likely…

• The right people seeing me on video helps me connect
• By doing and practicing, I’ll learn
• It matters more how I take care of me and feel in my body, plus most of societies standards about women are from women
• The best leaders I’ve witnessed always lead from curiosity, a beginners mind, and pair their knowledge with learning from those around them regardless of title
• Saying no to what doesn’t serve my vision or meetings without an agenda curates my time and propels me forward

We see life, ourselves, and opportunities through the lens of these stories. Make them count.

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Heal your trauma, regulate your nervous system, grow your self-confidence.

My path through this looked like reiki certification, coaching certification (a deep dive into major trauma healing), Energy Healing, Psych K, hypnosis, EMDR Therapy, daily meditation and journaling. #ittakesavillage

Dr. Gabor Maté’s definition of trauma is “it’s not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”

This is an awesome podcast with him that shows how trauma triggers us in life and how we show up.

When you numb, avoid, procrastinate, act out of character and more like 10 year old you, feel hopeless, stir the pot of drama in the workplace and overwork to earn you worth – this is your trauma and disregulated nervous system driving the bus.

If you’ve seen Inside Out 2, you know how anxiety makes Riley act out of character and out of her integrity, reducing her self-confidence. Unhealed trauma, a disregulated nervous system, and anxiety are all cut from the same cloth.

Step 3: Identify Your Purpose and What Acting in Your Integrity Means for You

Many may say you should identify your purpose first before shifting your mindset, re-writing your beliefs, and healing your trauma. And they might be right. However, my purpose felt different prior to doing all the healing work I set out to do. Healing helped me see my purpose and have the confidence to work towards making it real.

Questions to ask yourself: what do I do that calms my mind? What feels effortless to me but others gawk at as impossible for them? What lights me up from the inside?

This purpose becomes your destination on the map. It helps you lean into discomfort with tiny action steps that also build your confidence along the way.

Step 4: Create a Future You Avatar

As if you’re preparing for a new part in a play, identify key traits of future confident you. How do you show up as a leader? What does integrity look like to you? What do you say yes to? What do you say no to? How does it feel to be that version of you?

Step 5: Action: Chart the Course of a More Confident You

You anchor in all of the previous changes through action. Actions that leans into discomfort and moves you closer to your dreams re-wires your brain, and it builds your confidence. You learn you can do anything you set your mind to, and you learn more ways you may be getting in your way.

We have so much choice in life. The choices we make and actions we take either serve our vision for life or sabotage. It’s time to start taking actions of a truly confident person, actions that align with what you say you want.

Act today as if you are already your future self-confident avatar. What would they do?

This Path to Self-Confidence Seems Scary and Hard, Why Should I do This?

Because you’re worth it.

If that’s not enough, here’s what awaits you on the other side.

🌿 Increased trust in yourself and your intuition — increasing your decisiveness and flexibility.

🌿 More time and freedom empowering you to focus on what matters most and, as a business leader, what will move the needle.

🌿 You attract better — and don’t sabotage because you know you deserve it.

🌿 You feel your feelings and let them go rather than stuffing them down.

🌿 Synchronicity abounds. Things seems to be working on your behalf behind the scenes.

🌿 Your ability to persist and persevere grows.

🌿 You rest when you need rest (and don’t beat yourself up for it) and forge ahead when you need to forge ahead.

🌿 You show up better regardless of chaos.

🌿 Daily choices are made based on what’s best for you and where you’re going, not based on what the world says or your wounds.